Limitless Dragon Newsletter #18
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Greetings beautiful soul,
Welcome to my newsletter... a weekly exploration of what's alive for me, what topics I am working through, with tools to navigate the times we are in and overall some food for thought.
Listening… and the ways we relate
How we listen doesn't just impact what we hear—it shapes what the other person shares and how they feel after talking with us.
I was recently reminded of this at a workshop on listening with Art of Accomplishment. We practiced listening from three different states:
From judgment - critically evaluating what they're saying/ who they are
From fixing - planning how to help or save them
From unconditional love - simply being present
Here's what fascinated me: just the listener's intention changed how open the speaker felt. When people knew they were being listened to with judgment or a fixing agenda, they shut down or became defensive. When they felt unconditional presence, they opened up.
What the Workshop Revealed
In the exercise, something fascinating happened. Some people immediately shut down when told the listener wanted to "fix" them. Others initially welcomed the help but eventually felt resistance. The same intention landed completely differently depending on the person.
This happens constantly in our daily lives—especially with people we're closest to. We walk into conversations carrying years of history, preconceived notions about who they are, what they need, how they "always" are. We come in with an agenda before they've even spoken.
The takeaway? We can't assume what someone needs.
A Simple Framework: Heard, Held, or Helped
Author Jancee Dunn created a beautifully simple way to navigate this. When someone's struggling, ask:
"Do you want to be heard, held, or helped?"
I love this because when we're in emotional turmoil, we often don't know exactly what we need. Asking “what support do you need right now?” is extremely valuable (and for me often preferred) but sometimes we just don’t know! Three clear options make it feel a lot more manageable. Plus it creates clarity and boundaries for the suppporter.
Here's what each means:
HEARD - They want you to listen wholeheartedly without judgment, fixing, or advice. Often it also means they want to be understood. You don't have to agree with their story, but you can understand why they'd feel that way.
HELD - This can be physical (a hug, sitting together) or energetic (your full, present attention). Key distinction: you're not holding space in order to fix. You're simply there, open and present.
HELPED - Usually this comes third, after being heard and held but not always. The crucial follow-up: "How would you like to be helped?" Get specific. Is it advice? An action? How much time does it require, and what are you actually willing to commit to?
Three Things to Try
1) Check your listening state. Mid-conversation, notice: Am I judging? Fixing? Or just present?
2) Ask the question. When someone's sharing something hard, try: "Would you like to be heard, held, or helped?" - but make sure you are ready and able to give what’s needed.
3) Listen from wonder. What if you approached this person—even if you've known them for decades—with fresh curiosity? What might you hear that you've never noticed before?
How do you show up when someone shares something vulnerable with you? I'd love to hear—hit reply.
Happy Holidays to you all and may your conversations with loved ones be filled with joy and wonder.
With love,
Lucie
As we get closer to Christmas, I am sharing a 12 Days of Christmas toolkit on Instagram—one tip per day to help us stay grounded while enjoying the gifts of the season. Follow here and share with anyone who might benefit.
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